December 2018

Another Christmas & Still No Baby

It’s hard to believe that Christmas is here once again; I know everyone says it but it really doesn’t seem that long ago since we put the tree and decorations back up in the loft and now here we are ready to celebrate once again!

I know that a lot of people find Christmas a hard time of year; and I must admit that it’s something I now dread. Not Christmas day itself or any of the fun I have with family and friends but more the fact that Christmas is a time for reflection on your year and what you’ve achieved, and this year I feel I’ve more or less achieved nothing. In a way, I guess that’s an exaggeration; there are plenty of things I’ve done this year that have been an achievement in their own small way, such as securing a writing job and finally visiting the city of my dreams, PARIS! That was definitely a huge highlight for me and I just completely fell in love with the city, which I knew I would.

I suppose the thing I feel I’ve failed at is still not being able to have a baby. I remember speaking to my mum last Christmas and saying, “well you never know, this time next year we could be pregnant or even have a baby”. But once again, we’re not even close. It’s a huge blow as I feel like I measure everything in life now against my infertility and how far (or not) I’ve come in beating this horrible disease.

In some respects, I feel like we’ve had a wasted year; we could have easily done another 1 or even 2 IVF cycles. However, it really took me a lot longer to get over our miscarriage than I ever anticipated it would. Physically it definitely took its toll and the damage that was done to my body really scared me. However, things heal and slowly but surely you start to put yourself back together again, but the thing that has taken the longest to heal has been my emotional and mental self. It’s taken me a long time to wrap my head around the fact that our baby boy is gone; he won’t be coming back and we need to try and move forward. Without that closure, I feel we’re just not going to be ready for the next stage of our journey.

In all honesty, I would say it’s only in the past month or so that I’ve felt ready to move on and think about a plan for next year. I can’t believe it has taken me so long however looking back I do feel it’s been important to allow myself this time to heal and not force myself back into a situation that I’m not 100% on board with. Some people take longer to get over things that others and I guess I just needed time and I’m glad in retrospect that I gave myself just that.

As for 2019 Dave and I have had lengthy discussions and we now have a plan in place. We’re keeping it to ourselves for just now as we want to discuss it with our family first, however we feel confident in the path we’ve decided to take, and it means we can finally get out of this awful limbo. There have been many times this year when I’ve wanted to give up, turn our back on having children and just get on with our lives. But that would be the easy way out and as they say nothing worth having is easy. And Dave has always been there with his words of positivity and encouragement. Every time I say “I can’t”, he comes back with “You can, I know you can”. I can’t begin to describe what a tower of strength he is; I know for a fact there’s no way I would be able to go through any of this without him by my side and we’re determined not to give up just yet.

I just wanted to end my last post of 2018 by saying a huge thank you to every one of you who reads our blog, supports us and always wishes us well. I’m still overwhelmed by the volume of messages I get on a weekly basis from people sharing their stories or simply just sending us good wishes. It’s good to know we have so much support and that so many people are rooting for us.

Dave and I want to wish each and every one of you a very Merry Christmas and a healthy and happy New Year. Once again to all those of have children, please hug them tight and know how lucky you are, and to all my fellow infertile sisters with a baby on their Christmas list, I send you love, luck and positivity for a fertile 2019.



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